Giving it all up (post from Jen)

I have been struggling with this decision to move to Thailand for so long. I have not discussed it with many people of how I really feel inside but I have had this dialogue with God for quite a while. I have had very mixed emotions about everything. I have thought a lot about what I would be giving up here. But God really spoke to me through the verses in Matt. 16:24-25 where Jesus said to His followers, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life." I felt that I was truly at a crossroads where I had to choose- give it all up to follow God's way or follow my way. I immediately knew that I wanted to surrender everything to Him and choose His plan for my life. To be totally honest and vulnerable . . . for me this was giving up my dreams of getting married and having children. I know, crazy right . . . because honestly it's not like I am even close. But to think about leaving for a couple of years I feel like my chances are much less of it happening. But I know that my God is All-Powerful, All-Knowing, and All in Control! That's my God and I chose that day to lay it all down to Him because He sent His Son Jesus to give up His life for me. Why shouldn't I give up my life for Him? Besides He is life! The funny thing is that once I laid it all down and said my life is completely yours Lord, I was filled with complete peace knowing that His way is so much better than mine!



Another huge struggle of mine is questioning how could God could use me, what do I have to give, and who am I to go? I am nothing special, just completely ordinary, and have so many struggles and fears! But God is so faithful! He has revealed that He isn't looking for the most intelligent or beautiful or talented, but instead He is looking for those who are keenly aware of their insufficiency's. That's me! I am so weak! God made my insufficiency's so they don't surprise Him. So I must stop focusing on me and start focusing on God. I am so NOT self confident; but I discovered that in thinking so much about my deficiencies- I was focused on myself, and in doing so I am doubting God and forgetting who my God is. So instead I choose to forget about myself and become GOD CONFIDENT! The God who made me is able to use the abilities He's given me to accomplish the tasks He's assigned to me. And He can do it, even through me! You know . . . He can even use my faults to glorify Himself. So that's it- I fully believe God is calling me to step out and fully commit my life to Him. I want my life to count! Life isn't about me but truly about God and accomplishing His plans. And I want everyone to know who my God is! Because truly life is hopeless without Him! So why not?! What do I have to lose in going to Thailand? Really, I have everything to gain. Because life with God is truly an adventure; it's not always easy, but if I am not living for Him and telling others about how awesome He is, then really my life is a waste. I know, I don't have to go to Thailand to do that, but I truly believe it's just part of His plan for me!



There is so much more God is teaching me and showing me. So more to come later . . .