so i just had a really bad experience. it makes me mad at the enemy. it makes me mad at myself! it makes me feel like i suck at this “missionary” thing.
i just had a conversation w/ a guy that did Not end good.
David is a guy that makes up his own beliefs and lives by them. they are a mix of just about every religion you can think of. “Buddha and Jesus are brothers” is something he’s said to me before. and this morning, he starts out his conversation w/ me by asking, “do you believe in the rapture?” so i think, ok, God you’re gonna open some doors for us to talk about this, about You. and down goes the conversation from there. he’s SO stuck on people going to hell. why would God send “good” people to hell? he says, only you and your little group of friends will go to heaven and everyone else goes to hell. :( . I mean, how do you answer that? i did answer it, though i was obviously getting irritated at his tone of voice with me. and i explained how the Bible teaches to believe in Jesus and then you go. period. my problem is that i dont have “soft” edges. all my edges are sharp and hard. on those tests you take to find out your spiritual gifts, i always score 0 in Grace. i dont know how to tell it like it is other than just telling it like it is.
No David, it’s not based on works, it’s based on your heart and if you do or dont believe in Jesus. that’s it. maybe i’m missing the point of the bible . . . like the part about loving each other.
ugh, i was SO mad when he left. not mad at him, mad at the devil for deceiving SO many! i told the devil to F-- off a few times outloud, but no one was around so it was ok. i’m so angry that he tricks people and they freakin believe him! it pisses me off.
so now i’m here, crying b/c i feel like i’ve ruined this guy to ever listen to another “christian” again. mad b/c i cant communicate the gospel in a way that someone can receive it. and then even madder that i’m letting the enemy make me feel like it’s my fault. i know that only God can change a man’s heart. it’s up to us to plant seeds & up to God to make them grow. but it’s real easy to feel like a Missionary Failure right now (i wont get into now how i dont like the word missionary . . . ). i mean, come on!! i’m over here, living in Thailand so i can help those who havent heard the name of Jesus hear it & give them a chance to decide what they think about the guy. and i cant even communicate in a positive way w/ an American guy?! makes you feel less than worthy of this call.
but God is in control . . . but i feel like a loser . . . but God put you here . . . but am i disappointing Him? . . . God knows what you’ll say and do before even you will . . . God can and will use all things for good . . . God loves David more than I do and wants nothing more than to see him in Heaven right next to me, worshiping Jesus in the Light of Truth!
If we dont have these solid foundations as our truths in life, we are destined to fail. because we will feel like failures. but we have to crawl & pull ourselves back up out of the dirt and back onto the solid rock that is our foundation & stand on those Truths regardless of what we “feel”. our feelings are Not stable. but God’s truths are.
will i wrestle with this the rest of this day? probably some . . . but i will continue to give it back to God everytime i feel a wrong feeling come up- something that doesnt agree with scripture.
Lord- i pray for David right now. i pray that you will be working in his heart. i pray that our conversation today will do nothing but point him closer and closer to You. i pray that he would be curious about things i said about your Word and that he would pick it up to “find out for himself” what it says. i pray that You would speak directly into his heart through other believers and your Word, and all the crazy stuff he believes in. God, he wants You and he needs You- i pray that he finds You soon!
Just found this video after I posted this post. Looking forward to this book coming out!
Hey! Love you.. Praying for you. And David.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the missionary failure thing... You're learning, right? You weren't silent, right? (Think of how many walked away from Jesus -still unbelieving, still hard-hearted!) I'd say you've succeeded big time: you love David and care that he cares. You're right: you can't change his heart, but you did what you could - you spoke up. You'll continue learning and growing and practicing grace for others and for yourself, and so, I'd say you're a big, huge success.
(I was just going to write 'praying for you' -but there you go.) Pray you're encouraged!! Love you tons and tons. <3 <3
[[aaaand, the truth is, we all DESERVE hell... every single one of us. not one of us meets the perfect standard that heaven requires... If it weren't for God's great love and sacrifice of Jesus that MAKES A WAY for us to be saved (Faith credited as righteousness!), we'd ALL be hell-bound. Okay, that's all. I love you. Let's skype soon. I miss your face!!!!]] <3
You and I share that sharp-edged gene, I think! I feel like I never have enough words of love... and yet. God uses us all. like you said, HE KNOWS! HE'S NOT SURPRISED, OR TAKEN ABACK! You put yourself out there when it would have been easier not to, on such a hotbed topic.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting us see that missionaries are not "better" people than the rest of us... more holy more perfect in love... you're just being obedient to the calling He placed on you. Just like us.